So far..longtime

 Wow. Long time no blog. Not me laying here with covid and cant sleep..went on instagram , saw a post about someone i used to follow and somehow ended up on blogger. This is a sign. Last i put pen to paper was 2017. Its been a long road. Just read a post I made about my daugher at 6 and how i was not looking forward to the teen years. Y'all he turned 15 just last week and i can honestly say its been a blessing.  Like i braced for the worst but this child has been such an Angel. I am so thankful to God.

My youngest is the sweetest  9 year old. My middle child, my son is one I have to keep an eye on.  And thats just because i see alot of myself in him and the tendency to get in trouble because you feel like you're  smart. Tsk tsk.

Anyway next steps,  navigating college plans and all that.  Its a learning experience.

Life has been good, fair maybe. I lost my dad a year ago. No day, absolutely no day goes by witnout the thought of him. Death and grief is weird,  but I'll  write about that another day

Also trying to figure out the next steps  in my life. Masters? ( everybody is an NP) , okay what next, diffeent career? Sha praying about it. And just like the isrealites i will not move ulsess the lord says move.

Also what  would I do in this life without my husband. A lot of growth in our relarionship, communication is better and Intimacy has helped  so much.( I've  put in the work mahn) . 

So while i nurse covid symptoms and pondee on life i hope i get to journal more often. 

Here's to more positives than negatives

Am I going to believe?

   Memo to self:
 It's about 6a.m, and I have to write this post as a reminder to myself to believe the promise of God.
I am a firm believer of the word and I know what the word of God says about me, but life throws these curve balls every so often and I just don't know anymore.
Like I mentioned in the previous post, major decisions in this early part of 2017 and deep down I am afraid , but He has not given me the spirit of fear right?
My Bible readings for this week was the first 5 chapters of Joshua. Listen, God speaks through His word. So I know this is God saying, "see i got you," but it  still fall in the habit of worrying about how it's going to happen. I expect challenges even within the promises he has given me, but when challenges  come i still panic.
Going forward I want to remind myself everyday to believe and that it's okay. Just because I don't know all the details of the how doesn't mean it's not going to happen.
 So yes, I am going to believe and I no longer going to be afraid. I am learning to worry less.

The year 2016

  I am not one to look back at a year and say how good or bad it was, because I believe there's always going to be good and bad times. The past couple of years have been hard and I feel like one word to describe them would be "stagnant" for the most part.
I usually do cross over service and all that happy new year with church folks . But I didn't do this year, partly because I just wasn't feeling it, after all I've been going past years and same old and 2, next day was Sunday and was going to be in church anyway. I chose Sunday morning .
Summer of 2016 was my 10th wedding anniversary, underwhelmed. Just because I was hoping we would go on a vacation but that didn't happen.. to say I was disappointed was/is an understatement.  This led me to kind of take the reigns in my home for the rest of the year. I was making financial decisions and all that just because I wanted things to happen and not wait for someone to do them and be disappointed when they don't. Finally convinced my husband we had to downsize, financial strain was too much , slave and pay bills and stress continously,  I can't die for status quo please.
My biggest goal 2016 was to get in nursing school, which I didn't.  That was another sad part of the year. I put everything into it.
The devil reared it's head towards the end with health issues on the part of both my parents and  I felt handicapped to do anything because I couldn't be there . My brothers stepped up though and I'm so thankful for them.
The rest of the year was pretty much same. Grateful for my family, kids and friends.
Formed a whatsapp group with old friends, which has been a blessing honestly.  I can't imagine life without those girls.
 Made progress on fitness goals. So happy about that.
 Stepping into 2017 with fear, because I'm going to stop working and go back to school full time. I am scared. But I'm hanging on to Jesus's coattails and saying bring it on.
My sister had another baby last minute of 2016 too. That was another bright spot.
Looking forward to lots of things in 2017. I know it's going to be a hard year, I know ( not working and school). And I also know we will be fine.
So bring it on 2017.

Voices in my head or nah

       

Hello,
This online diary thing is so hard. I swear I'd  be doing the dishes or some random stuff and I'd have a long post in my head, but alas when I m done I'm too tired or I've completely forgotten about what it was.Anyways...
I've been seeing this evil Kermit memes and some of them are some funny. It plays into the thought I have sometimes that there really might be   some other person living inside of us.Me maybe? If not what other explanation for the ways I sabotage myself. Sometimes we have good intentions and we want to do the right thing, but something inside you says otherwise. Random example of myself , I know I need to lose say 24lbs,I know what to do how to do it and I decide to do it. Eat healthy , excercise,a few days in ,I give in to some temptation, maybe I see a really good looking plus size model, or its as simple as saying to myself, God created me like this , I love myself , yada, Yada , Yada, all in my head. of course I go back to binge eating and then I finally come to my senses .  Regret follows.  I can't tell you how many times this scenario has repeatedly itself. Nobody else but me sabotaged my self, I even disappoint myself more than any human can *sigh.
I'm learning to listen to the 'still quiet' voice. When I do , it turns out great.
Long work day today,but the team is fun to work with and good music helps .

The way I am.

I've always been very independent and tom boyish of some sort.i make friends easily and I'm hardly ever in a fight with anybody . I am that child who would rather watch and learn rather than ask . I've been this way all my life,I was built strong like my father would say.maybe thats why my parents where comfortable enough to send me  to boarding school at barely 10years old,yet my sister went in SS1 and still couldn't cope . Why am I saying all of this?I'm at a point in my life where I dont want to be that person anymore, let people worry about me a little.i can't keep on been strong for everybody and yet inside I'm so weak and tired. I want to say I can't do this just so somebody else will say , "dont worry about that I'll get it."
just the other I was talking  to my dad about all  stress I'm going through and same thing, hang in there, you are strong woman and he goes on to remind me to call my sister who just married and encourage her and stuff. And im like what helloo, what about  me?
I am tired, this is too much.

*Wrote this a while back, feeling much better now.

Daughter of mine.

 It was my daughter's birthday today.she turned six.I had a suprise birthday all planned for her , and trying to mess with her I told her we wont be getting her any birthday presents, and she was like" thats okay mummy, presents are not that important" .I did a double take I tell you.Two weeks ago it was her shoes,we went to the store to get school shoes and she wanted a sketchers twinkle toes, we couldn't find those for her but got some light up shoes for her brother, and I say to her lets buy this one now and some other day I'll get twinkle toes, she went, thats okay mummy, the lights are not that important, I melted inside. Who has this child please?
I am so proud of the little girl she is becoming. Well I have heard they are easy to please at this age, lets hope it stays that way, not really excited about the teenage years, but I can only pray and do my best.

dreams come true

Part of why I started this blog was to put down the stuff my kids say.todays question was mummy why do dreams not come true? I was tempted to reply"you know what, I wonder why too"But  of course I didnt, I told her dreams came true, it just takes a while and  some hard work. I reminded her how she dreamt of having a baby sister and she did.And all was well.